folded over the toilet bowl, I wipe my mouth with toilet paper, spray the inside and pull the toilet. Disgusted, I get up, get out of the cab and go to the bathroom sinks. Standing before the mirror, look at my face, white as a sheet, and two dark bags that I frame the eyes. I really fear ... I take off my glasses and I open a faucet, cold water I repeatedly rinsing the face and mouth. After I dried my face and put his glasses, I take a deep breath and I'm going back to the ward. In
corridor crossing Nicole.
"Hey, Lucien, where was she? So, come with me, we have lunch together?"
Lunch? I just put the sandwich I ate half an hour ago .... "No thanks, I'm not hungry," I reply.
"Ah ... ok. But you feel good? You are a bit 'pale .. "
nod.
" Sure? "Insists scrutinizing.
" Sure. "
" Okay ... See you later then. "
I'll give a nod with his head and continued my walk down the hall, rummaging in the pockets of the coat looking for a mint.
*** *** the next day
"Lucien, I can talk a while?" She asks Nicole.
"Sure, tell me."
"We ... do you mean ...", pointing to the door of my room.
"Ah, if you like ... Let's go to my office."
enter before I leave Nicole and I follow. I can sit on the chair while I support the desk.
"So what did you want to talk about?"
"Of you, Lucien."
"About me ..?"
"Yes. I am seriously concerned, Lucien. "
" How come? "
'Well, you behave as if nothing had happened, but I see it as you are!"
frowned. "Why, how do I look?"
"You tell me," Nicole replies by crossing his arms over his chest.
shrugged. "Whatever that is ... The usual routine ..."
Nic shakes his head.
"What?" I ask.
"Are you a big head, Lucien. You can not pretend that nothing is forever!"
"What are you talking about?"
"Of you, Lucien! You see far a mile you're suffering like a dog, but do not want to admit! But you can not resist so long, you realize? "
stubbornly remain silent and keep his eyes away from Nicole.
" Please ignore it, Lucien, is not a solution! In this way you're only hurting! "
I stand up." If we waste time with these useless talk, Nicole, is that you better go. "
He jumps up and plant his gaze straight in my eyes. "No. I'm not leaving until you admit it. "
" Admit what? "
" Do not be dumb: tell me! "
" What? "
"Tell me, LUCIEN! Tell me in the face!"
"WHAT? WHAT CHANGES IF YOU SAY THAT I AM THE SHIT!? WHAT ?!?", cry.
Nicole does not respond and continues to look at me straight in the eye.
"What will change ...", repeat this time with the voice broken by a narrow throat.
Nicole looks down and bites her lip. Nothing else is silent and leaves the room. Just approaching the door behind him, I feel my eyes start to burn and fill with tears.
May 1976 ****************** ******************
Dubenko Lucien puts the plastic cap to the pen and stands up. He takes his papers, collects the folder from the ground, first to move towards the chair, puts a ball of paper on the desk companion who sits behind him. Professor Hobbes rolls his eyes fixed on the boy from the lenses of his glasses. Holding the left hand on the newspaper he is reading, extends the right to take over the task of chemical Dubenko.
From the bottom of the class you will hear voices: "You see?" "Have you delivered!" "What a nerd!"
"Silence!" Cries the Professor Hobbes stretching in his chair. "Shut up and do your job! "
Lucien starts toward the door, and just before leaving, he gives a quick look at his classmates, all still leaning on the counter.
***
"TADAAA! FACT! "
Lucien jolted the school library. "Are you crazy, Michael?! Behind this attack, make me a shot! "
" I finished, LUCIEN! Michael EVVA !!!", cried, waving his arms in the air.
"Yes, but you've made any mistakes this time?" Asked Lucien seriously.
"Look," Michael begins putting himself astride a chair, "I changed things in the first period and in the third. And the last I left it in half. You say, can go? "
Lucien nods. "I think so. Finally, you learned how to copy the tasks in the classroom! "
" Gne Gne Gne. Hear me now. What do you think if I tell you that we are invited to the feast of Lydia Grossman? "
" Grossman who? The cheerleader? "
" Exactly! "
" Are you kidding? How did you make up an invitation? "
" Simple! I spoke with her friend Ruth, who told me that they needed a stereo for the party. I told her I did have I so I won an invitation to the party. "
" Michael, but you do not have a stereo ... "
" Yes, but she mica knows? "
"-Mich"
"Wait, I asked if I could bring a friend and she said yes! Lucien, you realize: we are invited to a party! "
" No Michael, we are not invited, we are only using it to have a stereo! That we have not! "
Michael extends his arms and nods to Lucien to wait. "Shut up and listen: there will be Cindy."
Lucien hangs and stays with his mouth half open.
"Yes, that's right!"
"C-Cindy ...? Cindy Walters? "
Michael nods.
"Cindy ..."
"And Cindy with her friend Rebecca is also the fourth year! Do you realize?! The busty! "
" Yes, but are you sure that you understand? Said Cindy? Cindy Walters? "
" Yes! Listen, we must find a way to make us both! "
" It is said that Cindy Michaels? OR ... Deborah Walters or ..? "
" Christ, Lucien, he says Walters, Cindy Walters, the blonde! You want to toe with this paranoia? "
" But then it is true ... Let's go to the party with Cindy! "
" Ugh ... do not go to the party 'by' Cindy: we go to the party 'to try to get slinguazzare with' Cindy! Not only! Let's go to the party also, and above all, to me slinguazzare, Michael Voigt, with Rebecca McPherson, tectonics of the fourth year! "
***
" Rebecca, Cindy, this is the My friend Lucien. "
"Hello!" "Nice!"
alllunga Lucien's arm and shaking hands with two girls, focusing on the particularly soft and smooth, Cindy, the blond-haired angel.
"Lucien ... Yes ... But now let it resume its hand, ok?" Involved pulling off his friend Michael.
Lucien makes us even if, as is lost in the beautiful smile of sweet Cindy.
"Then," says Michael, "Do you want to go out in the garden? We chat under the stars? "
Four out out: you can hear the crickets sing and the air is fresh. Michael and Rebecca settle a few feet away from other, astride a tree trunk that serves as the bench, while Cindy and Lucien sit opposite each other around a table of gray plastic.
Cindy clears his throat and looks around nervously while Lucien martyrs holding hands under the table. His heart beats wildly and struggling to breathe.
"It 's nice here, do not you think?", Then asks Cindy.
Lucien nods.
"You are in the same class as Michael?"
Lucien nods again.
"But you speak, sometimes, or not?" Cindy asks jokingly.
Lucien stirs and emits a strange sound, halfway between hysterical laughter and a gasp of despair. Cindy giggles, covering her mouth with his hand, his hand soft and smooth.
"S-you know, is that ... phew ... no ... does not make you hot?" - Are the first true words that Lucien manages to get out of the mouth.
"It makes you hot?" Cindy says with amazement. "The truth is almost cold to me ..."
"You want my jacket?", Lucien cries jumping up. Unfortunately, with its rush hits the table that begins to stagger. "Oops! He he he! Sorry!, "Chuckles Lucien. "Here, put this," he says taking off his denim jacket and placing it on the shoulders of Cindy.
"Thanks."
Lucien nods, smiling, and he returns to his place. He feels it is beginning to take courage. That jacket was un'ideona, a stroke of genius!
After a few minutes the night sky begins to cloud cover, and the East begins to blow a cold mountain wind. Lucien shrugs and with all his might try beginning your conversation.
"You and ... ... and Lydia are good friends ...?" can come up with superhuman effort.
"Yes, we know from elementary school. Our parents attend the same club, tennis and golf. "
" b-Ah ... well ... I get it. "
" But I've never seen at the Valley Club: we never come? "
" No I do not do much ... ... sport. "
" How come? "
Lucien shrugs. "N-no-p ... I do not like it, not for me. Well, ... "
" How strange! "Says Cindy," To all the boys like sport! "
Lucien does not know what to say. But if you can not find a suitable answer, Cindy thinks he's weird, or believe that he's gay ... This thought terrifies him: if it is convinced that he is gay, his hopes are equal to zero with Cindy ... Short of ideas , Lucien leans to the right to seek the help of Michael. Do not believe his eyes locked together on the tree trunk, Michael and Rebecca are making out big time. Lucien struggles and hidden object: the hand of Michael is wandering in the middle of the breasts of Rebecca. Here's why the 'busty' ...
"Everything okay?" Asked Cindy.
Lucien suddenly felt his heart beat a thousand resumes: Michael if you are slinguazzando Rebecca, because he should not slinguazzarsi Cindy? The very thought sends him into fibrillation. His body begins to send signals telling and Lucien does not know what to do.
"It makes you hot?" Asked Cindy. "Your face is all red ..."
Oh no, thought Lucien, that figure! But can not do it, and would love to see what Michael does. What ... What is that thing that is pulling out of the neckline of her shirt? Lucien does not want to believe Michael is pulling the bra!
now on the verge of a state of shock, Lucien tries to concentrate on something, anything that is not sex.
"T-you ... you like detective novels?"
"What, sorry?"
A chill wind shivers the small Lucien.
"A-I-I love Agatha Christie."
absent expression of Cindy is worth a thousand words. But his lips pink, upturned nose, and those hazel eyes clouded the meaning of the little Lucien, who does not notice and continues stubbornly to his speech.
"His latest book, S- curtain, is the latest with Her-Hercule Poirot! P-I prefer novels with Miss Marple, Poirot is also well ... nice and ... "Lucien stop for breath, and then returns the Curtain ... Captain Hastings, who is ... my absolute favorite character! "
Cindy, not knowing what to say, it begins to look around. Finally
Lucien realizes that the doll in front of you is getting bored to death. It is urgent to find another topic of conversation ...
"... You've seen pictures of Mars?"
"What?"
"Pictures taken by the Viking spacecraft that landed on Mars! Or, as one would say rightly ammartata. You have not seen? "
Cindy shakes her head.
"You see the soil of Mars, you see the big rocks ... And the last one passed on to those? Fantastic, but we think we are talking about Mars! Is not it incredible? "
" Hey, Lisa! "Says Cindy at a group of girls who are passing by the two.
"Cindy!" "What are you doing here?" Caw her friends approaching.
"You're going inside?"
"Yes, it's cold out here." "Come with us?"
Another icy wind behind the poor Lucien.
"Yes, coming!" Answers Cindy standing up without hesitation.
instinct, and education, it also raises Lucien.
"Oh, you're right, sorry, your jacket ..." Cindy is taking off his jacket and placing it on the table.
"N-no, I did not want to ... ..."
"Thanks for everything, hello."
Cindy greets him summarily as the friends they take and carry away.
Lucien defers sitting alone and can not find the courage to get back wearing the vest, which has been in contact with the skin smooth and scented with Cindy. Holding it in his arms, clasps him tightly.
"Hey, Lucien! Where is your babe? "
" Michael ... "
" E 'with Becca went to the bathroom? "
Lucien shook his head.
"It 's gone to get a drink? Did you let her go alone? "
Lucien shook his head. "She's gone."
"What, gone?"
"There 's been in with her friends."
"What! And what are you doing here? Go! "
Lucien shook his head.
"What thou hast in mind? Sawdust? Go ' from her, now! "
Lucien fixing the gray plastic of the table.
"Now you come with me," says Michael Lucien, taking his arm. "I'll drag us by force, damn it!"
Lucien does not resist and was accompanied by Michael at home. Here the music is deafening - and then someone finally brought the car stereo.
"Do you see?" Asked Michael.
Lucien shook his head.
"Let's try the other room!"
looked everywhere, but Cindy is not even there.
"What do you say, let's try it on?" asked Lucien Directing the index upward.
"OK," replies Michael.
The two did not have time to get on that first step, the top of the ramp, see Cindy hugging Doug Ross, the shortstop of the baseball team of the school. They're kissing. Him with his hands on his chest, she shakes her muscular forearms.
Michael remains open mouth, then turns to Lucien. Her look is revealing. Michael swallows, then try putting a hand on the shoulder of his friend, who, however, goes off with one click.
"I'm going, Michael."
"Come on, Lucien, wait."
"We See you tomorrow at school.
"No, come on, stay! You're a bit 'with me and Rebecca. "
Lucien shook his head. "See you tomorrow," repeated before wedged through the crowd toward the door.
Michael resists for a while ', but ultimately can not do it. Runs Rebecca, greets her with a kiss, and runs out of the house of Lydia, which was launched in pursuit of his best friend.
little later *** ***
"Hmm ... I never tire of these chips!" Michael says with his mouth smeared with ketchup. "You is not it?"
Lucien shrugs and continues to turn his potato dish soaked in ketchup.
"I the Bartels Giant Burger him nominated for the Nobel Prize! Are you in? "
Lucien nods.
"Come on, Lu! Shoot out! Cindy that if you do not deserve you prefer a lousy baseball player! "
Lucien bites his chips.
"That Ross has assembled a total head of a turnip! You know it's so stupid that has been rejected for the license exam? Tze! "
Lucien began to chew nervously.
"And it's not even that cute ... Have you seen who has one leg longer than the other? "
" What? "
" Yes! The left seems to me ... No, no, indeed, is the longest right! "
" Come on ... "
" I say yes! "
Lucien smiles.
"oohh! Finally a smile! Jesus, thank you! The older boy down the story is able to smile! "
" Ahaha ... haha ... "
" I can not believe! "Shouts Michael standing. "Ladies and gentlemen-
" Stop, idiot! ", it will resume Lucien pulling his arm.
"Ladies and gentlemen, here is the event of the year! Right here at Bartels Giant Burger of Redding, California! "
" Hahaha ... Stop ... Hahaha ... "
" A round of applause, ladies and gentlemen! A round of applause for the smile of the most depressed guy in history! "
******************* ********* May 2008 *********
"Dad ..."
I shake myself hearing the voice of Mika. With goggle fixed my son who is sitting in the doorway of my room.
"Pa, are you okay?" Do not you want to dine? "
shake my head. No, I do not like. These are days that I can not make a complete meal. I do not like, I do not go down at all.
"Listen ...", Mika starts coming toward me.
I shot a bit 'on the back, while remaining seated on the bed. "Yes, what is? Is something wrong?" I ask.
Mika reached out and sits on the bed to my right. "Yes, Dad, you."
"I-I?"
"I do not dine there three nights and you're up here all alone ..."
"..."
"Look, I understand it is for your friend ... but why do not you come a bit 'down with us?"
shake my head.
"Come on!"
I again shook his head.
"Then I can stay here with you?"
I opened my eyes: the demand for Mika surprise me.
"Would you rather I go away?"
"No ... No, Mika, stay. Stay here, please, "whispered placing a hand behind his neck.
Mika approaches again and, stretching his arms, he shakes in a big hug. After an initial moment of surprise I hold strong, long.
"Come here beside me," I finally get by Mika on the bed.
remains for some minutes in silence, sitting side by side with your legs straight on the mattress, his back against the headboard.
"You miss a lot?"
nod.
"You were friends for so long?"
"From middle school ..."
"Wow!"
shake my head. "I still can not believe ... it does not seem possible ..."
"How old were you?"
"My age ... And '... it's like I lost a brother ... "
" Hmm. "
Oh, Mika, I'm so sorry! You do not have any brothers or sisters ... Your mother and I we were not able, we could not get this gift.
"Dad, tell me how to have a brother?"
Sigh. "You know, Mika, having a brother is like ... like ... have another yourself. Not the same person, because it's not like you. Indeed, two brothers are almost always different in many things, sometimes just the opposite ... But it's like seeing in a mirror: two complementary sides of the same individual. When you a brother, you're sure he will understand you, always. Even if he has a different opinion, even if he makes different choices for you ... you're sure he'll be there, always. It 's a bit like ... "
" How? "
I take another deep sigh. "As the relationship I have ... I had with your mother."
Mika looks at me eyes wide.
"Yes, Mika. Your mother and I are completely different, two totally opposite characters, and yet I know I can count on you, always. And so, you can count on me. "
" Even after all that has happened, even after you get divorced? "
" Yes ", answer instinctively. Then I'll take a few seconds to think about it, but ultimately the answer is. "Yes, Mika, even today. And I do not think this will change. Although we are far, if we separate our feelings can not change, Mika. They will never change ... "
Mika does not react, is thought to head down. I guess for him it is difficult to understand a thing, I guess you're wondering why we were Katherine and I left, even if we feel such strong feelings for each other.
"Look, Dad," says Mika jumping up to side of the bed. "Now come down to dinner with us, though."
"I can not, really ..."
"Come on, pa! Make an effort! "
" It's not that I want, Mika, is that I'm not hungry right: I closed my stomach, I can not eat! "
" Ugh ... Listen to me: I make you a little something . Eh?
"You? Since when do you cook? "
" Now ... cooking is not quite the right word, PA. But you prepare for something that I always did my mother when I had a bad day or wanted to do something to forgive! "
"How?" I ask smiling.
"Yes, yes, she always worked with! I ate and felt better immediately! So, come on? "
How can I say no?
"Okay, Mika, I come down. Just give me a couple of minutes, okay?
"Yay Mika !!!", exclaims, clapping her hands. "I will run down and prepare everything! But hurry, eh! "
Waiting for Mika leave the room and jot down your legs out of bed. Now I get up, I think, and instead rest motionless, with hands tightly pressed against the mattress. No, I can not believe. Michael is gone. I close my eyes. We had not seen rarely, it is true, but we always stayed in touch, we felt it often enough ... I put my hands in my hair and shake my head. How will I overcome this? I accepted the death of my father, I accepted my mother's ... but this is too hard, I can not.
open my eyes and I look at my hands, look at the back of my left hand, look at your ring finger, the phalanx of bare where once I kept the faith. Katherine. God, how I wish he were here now. So I need you right now ... You knew Michael, you understand how hard it is for me ... I have it next, I would hug her, I want ... What a fool I am! She came here a week ago, had left Italy to be with me and see how I was, and I treated badly, I sent it away. What a fool! Idiot!
Finally I stand up. I try to force me and I decided to go down. Just before that exceeds the threshold, however, I hear the phone ringing. It 's a message. I go back, take it from above the table and I open it. Gape: I can not believe!
E 'Katherine, "Hello Lu! I wanted to hear how you were. How are you? Take care, eh, do not bring you down! "
I shake my head no, it is Right now you can ... I was thinking about her! Incredible ... I hit the reply button, then three times for the 6 'O' and twice for 5 "K".
wait for the return message occurred and close the phone. Back on my bike to go down to Mika when I get another SMS. Go back and re-open the phone. It 's still her, "OK?? You must promise me !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!»
I can not suppress a smile.
"promise." I say.
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